I AM an 18-year-old university student. Last year, my friend’s cousin proposed to me. I asked him to wait for me for nine years and he agreed. But after seven months, he left me without an explanation. I was miserable. Then, K proposed to me, and so did my cousin. K is more highly educated, but my cousin has a good job. But my family thinks that a higher education is a better guarantee for my future.

I want to succeed in my career before getting married. My mother believes that I can be a doctor, and I want to fulfil her dreams for me.

K told me that he will wait for me until I complete my studies and settle down with a good job. My cousin holds the opposite view. So, I have decided to choose K as my life partner.

Have I made a good decision? What should I do now? – Heartbroken

Faridah
Human beings can be funny creatures. We all want guarantees for decisions we are about to take, so that life will work out perfectly as we plan. But there are no guarantees in life. It doesn’t mean you cannot plan and set goals; it just means that we do so while accepting that we may have to be flexible and willing to make changes if the need arises.

You seem very confused about what you want, so my advice would be to put off making any long-term commitments like marriage for now. You are only 18, and still have college or university to go through where you will meet a lot of other people.

If you want to become a doctor, you’re looking at at least another 10 years of studies. By the time you are 25 or 30 you would have matured, have different views about the world, your career and even a marriage partner. Marriage is not something you should be deciding on now.

Give yourself some breathing space; focus on your studies now – everything else can wait.

Stephanie
You sound sure of your plans for the future, and know what you want from your relationship. I can’t tell you if you’ve made a good or bad decision, because only you’d be able to answer that for yourself.

I don’t know much about K and your relationship with him. But if a man is willing to wait for you, he should be sincere in his promise to be your life partner. How well do you know K?

Have you known him longer than the first guy who proposed to you? If your concern is about whether K is “the one”, then it is good that both of you are not rushing into this marriage. In most instances, knowing whether or not someone is “the one” usually takes a very long time.

Sometimes, we meet someone and become infatuated with them but that doesn’t make them our soul mate. The strongest relationships are based on friendship, respect and mutual attraction. If K is someone you admire and respect, has similar life goals, and can really talk to, then he might be right for you.

Ask yourself these questions – Is he reliable, honest and trustworthy? Can you count on him for help and friendship?

Does he tell the truth about his life and other relationships? Does he come from a family which is intact and has good values? Is he doing well in his life, job and other relationships?

The answers to these questions could indicate if he is the one for you.

You are still very young, and should, ideally, use this time to get to know each other better while also focusing on your aspirations to be a doctor. However, remember to also be the person you want to be, and not what your mother, father or your partner want you to be.

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