I am K, a 16 year-old-girl from a convent school in Penang. Since the beginning of the year, one of my classmates, V, has been giving me sleepless nights. She is a smart girl who seems to have lost her way.

We were never the best of friends to begin with but she started being close to me towards the end of last year. We started chatting online and exchanging text messages frequently during the holidays. Of course, my intentions were purely platonic as the thought of being together with someone of the same sex is a little foreign to me. Little did I know that she thought otherwise.

She began holding my hands, saying things like “I love you” and hugging me as time went on. Of course, these actions were considered “normal” at an all girls’ school but I found her behaviour rather aberrant.

Then, one day, she told me that she has strong feelings for me. At first I thought it was some kind of joke, but she was pretty convincing as days went by.

So, I started minimising my conversations with her and avoiding her. Whenever she touched me, I felt uncomfortable and started pushing her hands away. That was probably not the best way to handle a situation like this but I had no choice as I did not want to lead her on or give her hope.

She noticed my actions but never gave up trying.

Finally, a couple of months ago, she confronted me and told me that she no longer had feelings for me and wanted me to stop giving her the cold shoulder. Her words seemed insincere, though.

Now, when she sends me an SMS, I don’t reply. When she sits beside me or talks to me, I feel uneasy. I am not a homophobic; I have nothing against homosexuals. In fact, I feel that the society is a little harsh on them.

However, after my own “homosexual experience”, my perspectives have been altered. The sight of her reminds me of her feelings towards me even though she claims they are gone. I don’t think I can ever see her the way she was prior to this chain of events. I can’t even let this problem slide by as I have to see her everyday and can’t just pretend like she doesn’t exist. — Screwed Up Teen

Su Ann

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter if V is a boy or girl, straight or gay. Your reaction to V’s advances do not seem too different from most people’s reactions to uninvited romantic notions from the opposite sex. We all have our own definitions of personal space, and it is okay for us to be protective of that space.

The real questions are: How important are V’s feelings to you, and how important is it that you do good to people around you?

V might have disrespected your personal space, but you would be doing her and yourself a big favour if you put aside your nervousness and spoke to her about the rift that is taking place between you. She is probably still exploring the boundaries of her sexuality, so it must be confusing for her to realise that she is in the minority just by virtue of her sexual preferences.

Your open-mindedness would be very helpful to her at this point in time.

Also, she is surely feeling ignored and hurt – not just because you spurned her romantic advances, but also because she has lost a good friend and confidante. When we end any relationship or friendship abruptly, many times the least we can do is tell the other person the reason that the relationship needs to end. It helps them understand what they might have done wrong (if they did anything at all) and how to learn from these experiences.

This does a lot more good than giving each other the silent treatment, and one or both of you leaving the relationship feeling bitter, confused and tormented.
The reason you find it difficult to ignore V is likely because it is not in your nature to be avoidant about such conflict. Don’t be scared to confront this issue in a gentle way. Having a heart-to-heart will give V clarity and help her in her future friendships, and will give you peace of mind.

Rusyan

Giving someone the cold shoulder will not work, and neither will cutting V off. This places stress on both of you because it results in having no resolution. It represses feelings and has the potential to leave both of you bitter with each other.

It’s the opposite of minimising conversation that will move this forward, and into something more agreeable between the two of you. What will work is clear communication and boundaries. If she’s still pursuing you, she deserves an honest talk about where you stand, and how you feel.

You’re right, society can be harsh so it’s important to be gentle with her feelings. But be firm and honest – that you don’t feel the same way. Recall the times when you were best friends, and tell her that’s the best middle ground that you both can achieve.

I think it’s worth saving what you had as friends, so this is a matter of managing feelings (which is always hard) for the greater good of a long-lasting friendship.
It might take more than a talk. Romantic feelings are hardly the easiest to deal with. Put yourself in her shoes – how would you like to be turned down? Not only is it hard to accept, but focus on the choice you can make here – to heal and unearth a deep friendship, or to amputate and detach.