Tongue-tied around her

I have been studying in an all-boys school since primary school. I am now in Form Six, and most of my classmates are now girls.

At first, my heart went pitter patter when I talked to a girl, but I have adjusted to the new environment. Now, I am able to get along with just about everyone.

However, there is just this one girl whom I couldn’t seem to approach.

Whenever I am anywhere near her, the effect that she has on me is more intense than with any other girl. I find myself in a “fight or flight” mode. It requires at least 10 minutes of preparation in order for me to ask her a simple question.

As a result of this, I always try to avoid her in order to ‘protect’ my heart. I believe she noticed this and began to avoid me as well. I even ignored her several times, which was against my policy to never leave a girl alone. Whenever we looked in to each others’ eyes, I could sense hostility. I don’t blame her of course.

She has this effect on me simply because she is too pretty. Good looks are supposed to be a blessing for her, but I seemed to have turned it into a curse. Poor her. She must be wondering why in the world am I treating her so coldly.

In a situation like this, do we have a chance of becoming friends? Almost all of her friends are my friends, so I think it is not fair for me to keep avoiding her. What do you think I should do? Or rather, is there a thing that I can do? — Timid Soldier

No expectations

Both of you are filling each other’s minds with words that have never been spoken. Before any step is taken, have no expectations. Don’t expect her to say anything in return, or be a friend immediately. Focus on the little things you can do.

In time, little actions will build up into a friendship. But don’t feel sad if it doesn’t. She will act the way she will. How you both act towards each other in the long run will shape what your relationship will be.

So, go with the flow and take it an encounter at a time. Say “hi”. Meet her in groups. Start or enter discussions when you’re with mutual friends – maybe you two have something in common and she’ll pick up on that.

These things might be difficult to do, considering how you two have been avoiding each other. But take control of the situation and focus on what you can do – be the nice person you are and have fun when you are around her and your friends.

Intense feelings are tricky. But they teach us many things – like how to handle ourselves in uncomfortable situations or how to get over our fears. You may stumble a couple times when you try to talk to her. It’s ok if you do. Just pick yourself up and keep going.

And if she keeps avoiding you, take it as any other moment in your life. Remember to keep things balanced and not let these feelings overpower you to the point where you forget the people who aren’t ignoring you. Spend time nurturing yourself. Hang out with your family. Have fun developing your relationships, and enjoy the ups and downs. It’s all a part of the journey. — Rusyan

Take it slow

There is certainly a chance for you and A to be friends, but one of you has to make the first move to jump-start the friendship. Is that more likely to be you or her? If she does not seem about to make the first move, then perhaps you should step up and break the ice, especially if the current hostility is making you uncomfortable.

Given that there has been some coldness and a lack of communication between the both of you thus far, you have to approach this carefully. Don’t give her any reason to be frightened, but rather, ease into the conversation casually and in a medium you believe she will be comfortable in. Start by making small talk in class, and perhaps then adding her on chat programs.

The key is to treat her like any one of your other friends. If you approach her with the mindset that she is to be treated differently, you will end up treating her differently – and that might make her uncomfortable or upset her. Take it easy and take it slow, but most importantly don’t forget to enjoy the process of making a new friend! — Su Ann