I AM 16 and I have been in a relationship with J for almost two years. I can honestly say that J is the best guy I have ever been with.

However, my feelings for him have changed. I still love him as a friend, but nothing more than that now. I’m just so tired of being with him.

These days, whenever I see him approaching me, I’ll avoid him for no reason.
I am happier with my other friends which I know hurts J a lot. We still talk on the phone a lot, though. He will always ask me if I am ignoring him, but I’ll just lie and deny it. I hate lying because I feel that it hurts me, too.

I tried to break off with him once and told him to move on with his life. He said he couldn’t do it and even tried to commit suicide. This has happened twice already.

He told me that there was just no reason for him to live if I didn’t love him anymore.

Since then I’ve been lying to him and assuring him that I love him because I am afraid he’d try to kill himself again.

Things have become quite serious between us, too. Two months ago, J started asking me to have sex with him but I told him I was not ready. He is upset whenever I deny him sex. Sometimes I feel like I should be the one ending my life. I need a break from him.

Now, I don’t even dare talk to him about breaking up and moving on. I have nowhere to turn to. — Tired Of J

Su An

Threats of suicide, while very unfair, should not be taken lightly. You have two problems to solve: How to get J to stop holding you ransom with suicide threats, and how to get him to feel better without you. Unfortunately, neither solution is as simple as breaking up, telling him to move on, and then walking away.

Honest and respectful communication, as in all relationships, is key. Your attempts to break up with J and then telling him that you love him are mixed signals from his perspective, and only serve to confuse or depress him further. As far as he is concerned, you are both still in a relationship, and he probably does not understand why you are behaving like the relationship is just about your feelings and not his.

Instead of hiding from him, slow down and take the time to help him understand why you don’t think this relationship is working out. Tact and tenderness will be crucial in such a conversation. Breaking up with someone is never easy, and we should always take some time to think about what the best way to do it is, and then execute it carefully and thoughtfully.

If he remains emotionally unstable, helping him ease into being single by still being at arm’s length could be a good thing. Make sure he has friends around him who can take good care of him, and don’t forget to check in on him every now and then, to remind him that you still care for him as a person and a friend even though you are not together anymore.

Rusyan

Feelings evolve, and it’s tough to be in a relationship when your feelings have changed. Caring for him now requires you to ease him into a new role, as he transitions from boyfriend to friend. This will take a blend of firmness and empathy.

Be clear that you want to be friends with him. Tell him that you prefer to have friends, rather than a boyfriend. Sex is definitely not something you want, so if that is what he is looking for, he is better off with someone else.

Give him time. He is hurting, but if you consistently show that you’re still his friend, he’ll learn that being friends is not so bad.

Hang out in big groups if being with him is awkward. Friends who know your situation can help out by distracting him in the short-term.

Slowly, he’ll get used to being friends; or the sadness will wane, as his attention will shift to other things in life.
You or your mutual friends can encourage this by getting him into his hobbies, or helping him find new things to learn or do.
If he continues to threaten suicide, tell a responsible adult to step in and help out.