I AM 18. A few weeks ago, I went out with an old friend, L. Sparks flew and we’ve been going out more often.

He has asked me if I’m ready for a serious relationship with him but I told him to wait and see how things go. We’ve only been close for a few weeks and I don’t want to rush things.

I’ve never been in a serious relationship and I want my first one to be special and not fizzle out after three months. Moreover, L and I are as different as night and day.

I am a goody-two-shoes who studies and does my homework, never goes out, never been clubbing, don’t smoke and has never gotten drunk before.

L is the opposite. He smokes, goes clubbing, gets roaring drunk and is always going out with one friend or another.

However, he is a good guy. He treats me well and has even tried to reduce his smoking and drinking for my benefit. But our differences are still very obvious. We are completely awkward with each other’s friends.

My friends talk about exams, studies and homework while his talk about drinking, clubs and smoking. My friends have all warned me to stay away from him. They say he is just toying with me. I do not know if I should listen to them or trust L. He has been so good to me so far.’Recently, L has been rather distant. He used to call me every night and try to find ways to go out with me even if it was just for an hour. But I haven’t heard from or seen him in days.

He keeps saying he is busy as college has just started. I understand as I have also been busy studying for my exams. I told him I couldn’t hang out with him this month as I want to concentrate on my studies.

But I’d hoped he would call every now and then just to say hi and let me know he’s okay. I don’t want to call him and seem clingy but I miss him. Is it a sign that we are just too different and that things are starting to fall apart?

My mum has also been telling me not to have a boyfriend and to concentrate on my studies. I know she is right.

But L makes me happy. He makes me laugh and smile whenever I’m with him. I’ve been hiding my relationship with L from my friends and family but I’m getting tired of it.

I feel bad lying to my friends and my mum. But I don’t know what to do. My head is telling me to let him go and concentrate on doing well but my heart is saying to give him a chance. You never know what’ll happen right? – Head Or Heart

Take a chance

It is only natural for both you and your friends to rush to conclusions about what L’s lifestyle says about him as a person and a boyfriend. But everyone needs to give the both of you a chance, including yourself!

You haven’t spent enough time yet with L to have given him a fair assessment, and the same can be said about your friends, who probably don’t know him well at all.

Don’t be too nervous about differences in pastimes and traits, as they can be a great thing for relationships. These differences keep the relationship exciting and allow us to learn from each other’s worlds. Truly, it is a difference in principles and morals that you ought to be more wary about.

As for your mother, you certainly don’t have to lie to her about your feelings for L. She might be cautioning you against a boyfriend, but mothers can sometimes have a tremendous capacity for understanding that their children ultimately have to begin taking charge of their own decisions.

Have a long, truthful conversation with her, and convince her (and yourself, first and foremost) that there will always be something Very Big to focus on in life, such as exams, but there are also many other goals worth pursuing at the same time.

A commitment to one’s education, career or a larger cause is a great thing – but is it worth giving up precious experiences in love, relationships and life?

A relationship is indeed a big commitment and will take up time, but anyone can make it work if they can prioritise and divide their time well.

You’re supposed to be the goody-two-shoes in this relationship, and any goody-two-shoes worth her salt would know how to prioritise and manage her time. – Su Ann

Forget the differences

There’s a lot of pressure here – from the good intentions of friends and family, to your expectations of what a first relationship should be.

These questions are swirling around in your head and heart waiting to be answered. But the answers you seek aren’t in the safety of theories.

The only way you’ll know for sure is to be in a relationship. Your experiences with L will unfold not on what others think, but with the way you both cultivate them. Let your expectations go and just focus on understanding each other, and being together through the good times and bad.

Don’t let your differences worry you. They are the frontiers where you learn new things and broaden your horizons.

There will be times of friction and arguments, but let that be a test of how strong your relationship is. If you are both serious about the relationship, then you will both look for the middle ground and be motivated to work things out.

Make it clear to L about what you need and want in a relationship, and listen to where he’s coming from too.

For example, you want to take your time, so make sure he respects and follows the pace that you’re comfortable with. If you want to call and talk to him, take the lead and do so.

Don’t worry about appearing clingy. After all, you’re both friends and catching up on what’s keeping you both busy is normal. It’s also within the pace you prefer – nothing heavy or rushed. Just a phone call to hear what’s been happening.

There will be a time when your friends and family will know about your relationship. Some will agree with your decision, some won’t.

Don’t worry about pleasing everyone around you. Take their concern into account, and make your decisions your own.

There’s no need to make your decisions based on either what your head or heart says. You were given both – so blend the two voices together. Your head will give you order, safety, and logic; whereas your heart will have the force of emotions that speaks a language of its own.

Relationships are about knowing who you are and sharing these things. Open, honest conversations count a lot in understanding each other, so make it a point to keep communicating. – Rusyan