I AM a happy-go-lucky person. I was always branded “smart” by others because I was able to get good results in my studies without doing much revision.

Well, at least that’s how it used to be.

When I was in Form Three, I was introduced to a girl, A. We exchanged numbers, and a few weeks later, I got a text message from her. Since then we have been texting each other frequently.

Through our exchanges, I became attracted to her. One day, I sent her a message saying that I loved her and asked if she would accept my love. She replied by saying that she needed more time to think things over. We still texted one another every day, and four months later, she said that she loved me too.

I was so happy! Our relationship started to grow, although quite slowly, because we rarely got to see each other. We went out on a date to celebrate my 16th birthday and she gave me a lot of presents.

She also told me that her family would be moving into my neighbourhood, which meant that we could spend more time together.

Sadly, however, things did not turn out the way I had hope it would be.
A few days after her family moved to their new home, we met up and had a small argument. I started feeling that something was not right with our relationship.
Later that year, A’s parents found out that we were seeing each other and got really angry about it. They forced her to end the relationship. Nevertheless, we managed to get over the obstacle and even went out on Valentine’s day.

However, this time around A’s parents called to speak to me. They told me that I couldn’t be with their daughter anymore. When I asked for a reason, they sort of indicated that it was because we were of different religions and that I could only date A if I promised to convert into their religion in the future.

This really broke my heart.

Five months have passed and I still can’t get over her. I am losing focus in school, have no appetite and have become anti-social.

A made me who I am today. I feel like I lost a big part of myself. A still loves me and I love her, too. She rarely sends me text messages these days, saying that she is busy. She has even said that I deserve somebody better.

My life feels very empty now. What should I do? Should I wait for her hoping that her parents would one day change their minds? Should I just let her go and then regret it later? I don’t know what I did wrong. Why can’t a person love another from a different religion?  — Tim

Su Ann

Religion may be of paramount importance to A’s parents, but the question that begs to be asked is this – what does religion mean to you and A, the two people that this issue is really about?

If religion is an important element in your life, then changing your religion should be based on much, much more than the ultimatum that A’s parents gave you. A religious conversion is between you and God, it is about your own spirituality and your resonance with its teachings and principles. It should not be about your girlfriend’s parents, nor should it be a price that you pay to prove your love to someone.

Before you make a hard and fast decision about conversion, do first explore A’s religion with the blessing of your current religious elders and even your parents. Talk to people who can give you an objective and learned view of this religion as well as its institutions and teachings.

Most, if not all, aspects of the religion will be new to you, and it is only with thoughtful and close interaction with the religion will you be able to give your decision the balanced consideration it deserves.

It is also crucial to know what religion means to A. Does she agree with her parents’ views on inter-religious relationships, and has she probed those views enough to arrive at the same conclusion?

If you do decide to undergo a religious conversion, it would be wise to know that A deeply cares about what such a move means to you, to her, as well your relationship with each other, and that she fully condones the reasons behind it.

You say that you both still love each other, and yet A’s attention to you seems to be waning. Find out from her why this is so. What she is thinking and feeling and whether they are linked to her parents’ ultimatum are worth hearing, and will contribute plenty to your decision-making process. You would want to know that you are undergoing so much pain for someone who is thinking just as hard as you are about these issues.

Rusyan

Religion and family can be big issues in a relationship. From this you can gather that relationships also be more than just about you and your girlfriend, but can include issues that must be discussed and dealt with. You’ve got to come to terms with these two forces; agreeing either to what her family wants of you, or moving on.

You’ve heard her family’s point of view. What about yours?
Are sacrifices being made on A’s side if you are willing to do so as well? What kind of middle ground can be struck?

Love is an intense word, but I’d lean towards moving on. Let your relationship with A evolve to a friendship. If she is really the one that has shaped you, then it is better to have her in your life than not.

Some relationships are there for you to learn. Take this as an experience to grow from. There’s no room for regrets. You’re in control of how to deal with this – dwell in your sadness and it will forever be a stain. Or remember the good times, how you’ve grown as a person, and bring this experience forward.

It’s hard, but have faith in your future. Learn to look outside your situation. Remember that your life isn’t just about finding a girl. It’s about finding your passions, your goals, and being surrounded with good friends.

High hopes don’t always end in disappointments. There will be painful times. Learn to appreciate these as challenges to overcome. Once you’ve gone through the pain, you’ll appreciate the good times even more.