I’LL BE sitting for my SPM exam this year. I have three elder brothers; one is already working and the other two are still in college.

My problem is my mother who has been a housewife for 18 years now. She kept pushing me over the last two years. When I was in Form 4, she kept telling and nagging at me to enroll in Accounts stream. But I insisted on being in the Science stream because I wanted to study medicine and become a doctor.

Every time I didn’t score so well for my science subjects, she’d say, ‘I told you so’. Perhaps she is anxious because my brothers who studied science didn’t do that well in their SPM.

But from my observation, my brothers were not serious in their studies during their SPM year, unlike me. I love to spend my time around books, and my results are better than theirs. So far, my lowest grade in school exams is B-.

My mother forced me to go for tuition four nights in a row, which is exhausting.  Once I had to rehearse for a drama competition after school from 1pm-5pm, only to come home and go to tuition from 6pm-7pm.

I told my mother I was too tired that night and wanted to skip tuition class which was from 8-10 pm, or else I would not have the time to complete my schoolwork. She yelled at me and forced me to go. I burst into tears because I was so tired and frustrated as she did not understand my feelings. My father was the one to console me.

My brothers were not forced to take tuittion classes even though their grades were not that good.

All I have to do is study, study and study. Sometimes my mother asked me whether or not have I revised certain subjects. It is as if she cannot trust me to follow my own timetable. I am trying to follow my schedule but sometimes there’s just to much homework to do, plus house chores to complete. My brothers aren’t that helpful.

They will only do a chore when they are told to and will usually only do them halfway. In the end, I am the one to finish it up for them. It is just not fair.
I always have a lot in my mind. I can only dream of resting for a whole day. It is as if my whole life is monitored by my mother. I tried to encourage myself to seek counselling but I was too embarrassed. But at the same time, it stresses me out of my mind.

Whenever she or my brothers make me angry, I punch the walls, scream in my closet, slap myself, throw pillows and cry. I hate myself for crying. I noticed that I have been crying a lot lately, and I wish I have a sister to share my problems with.

I know my parents want the best out of me since I am their last hope to score straight A+’s in my SPM, but does my mother really have to be the way she is? – Sweet Seventeen.

Get dad to step in

Ask your dad to be more involved. He consoled you, and since he understood the situation, should take a more active approach in toning your mother down. His role shouldn’t be just of a person to talk to, but to ultimately make your mother realise that she is putting immense pressure on you, and that it is putting serious strain in your life.

A good way is to say that you all share a common goal of achieving top results. But the way your mother coaches you is actually worsening your studies rather than enhancing it.

Allow your dad time to talk to her. It may take time. Should the situation arisewhere you will have to take the lead in talking to your mother, tell her the truth. That what she’s doing is not providing the right environment for your success. And that if she gives you a chance to study the way you want to, you will achieve the marks that you work hard for.

This is a very tough situation. Congratulate yourself for managing it. Realise that difficult circumstances are great teachers. Look within and see how you’ve grown. How you’ve faced it, cultivated patience, and developed a strong heart.

Hold on to the belief that you will get through this. There will be a time in the future where you can look back and say that this was all a process of strengthening your will. Remember it because when you face another tough episode in the future, you’ll be able to draw from memories of getting through pain. — Rusyan

Talk to her

In the case of overbearing parents, negotiation and fair conversations can be rather difficult to achieve. This year being your SPM year makes it a lot harder to strike a compromise with your mother. But it’s not impossible with some assertion, confidence and focus on your part.

It doesn’t seem like much of a breakthrough can be achieved with your mother through fights and squabbles, because she’s the type that always needs to win. It will surprise you how many adults allow the need to say ‘I told you so’ get in the way of their relationships. So don’t let this happen to yours. Approach your mother sensibly and patiently, hear out her fears and worries — and then when she is done, make sure she listens to your concerns too and plays her part in helping you feel better.

Make the conversation a Big Thing. Schedule it in advance with your mother, go somewhere quiet to talk, and be serious about how important this conversation will be for you, her and your relationship. Be sure to acknowledge in this conversation that you know she wants what’s best for you, but that she has been incredibly unfair and selfish about it. Drive it home to her that an excellent individual is one that is balanced and successful in many things, but most of all, happy. No mother wants their child to be unhappy, but sometimes it takes such a long time for them to see that they are the ones causing the unhappiness. That is something you have to help your mother to see.

Start with these small steps, but don’t forget to think about the big picture and the lessons you can learn from this moving forward. Life can be difficult and we might feel very much out of control, but our attitude towards these difficulties define the outcome. Crying is cathartic but often doesn’t solve anything. With confidence and belief in oneself, it is that much easier to see that the solution to many of our problems can begin with us. — Su Ann